standing still

sometimes, real-life can move you so much that you’re left there reeling, but sometimes, you are standing there watching the world pass you by in a blink and all of a sudden it feels like you’re alone.

you feel like you’re standing in treacle, you feel like you’re slowly sinking lower and lower. time is a construct and you’re passing every second and every minute in the same way. nothing feels real and nothing is changing.

that’s how adult life feels to me currently.

i am stuck working and eating and sleeping, working and eating and sleeping, working and eating and sleeping.

sometimes i get a form of respite, i go on my phone, i read in the bath (god forbid im not alone with my thoughts), i have a coffee with a friend and i spend time with my family.

but it is getting to the point where that is not enough anymore.

im at home not doing anything substantial because im exhausted, im not visiting my friends around the uk because i have no money and when i do have money i do not have time.

my parents are moving on with their lives and their friends because they can, because their kids are old enough now.

my siblings are old and don’t need me as much as they used to, but sometimes i long for that need to come back so i have a purpose again

my friends, bless their hearts, are doing amazing, and i feel like im dragging them back or im being left behind. they have their romances and their talents but i can’t be there with them or for them and it hurts.

but didn’t i ask for it?

by putting my work and my needs before anything else

by putting my career before anyone else

so davina, try and go to therapy and wait on a waiting list for months on end.

leave your friends waiting for you while you’re stuck and you’re not moving and you could move, you could make it for them but your brain and body is telling you not to and not letting you.

be there with your family and bask in how okay everything is but you can’t, no matter how hard you try you can’t.

and its the worst thing ever because you know deep down that you could be something great, you could be amazing and right now you’re drowning in treacle.

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